Living With a Mentally Ill Family Member

Here are some things to consider if you have a family member with a mental illness.

• Accept that There is Often No Quick Fix.
  Mental illness can be a long-term condition, so you need a long-term plan to deal with it.


• Get as close to God as you can.
  And stay there! You're going to need Him!


• Protect Yourself from Abuse.
  - Verbal
  - Physical
  - Emotional (controlling, cruel behavior, silent treatment)
  - Financial (overspending, incurring excessive debt)


• Learn How Your Mentally Ill Loved-One Thinks and Perceives.
  The difference between normal vs. disordered thinking is huge. Consequently, learning how they think and feel (or how the fail to think and feel) will minimize stress, misunderstandings, and help you to have reasonable expectations.


• Don't Allow Yourself to be "Hoovered."
  Mentally ill people can be adept at manipulating others in order to get what they want. "Hoover" is a brand of vacuum cleaner. In the context of mental illness, the associated verb means to allow yourself to get sucked back into a bad situation. The setup is that we naturally want to reward good behavior. A mentally ill person will instinctively use this to manipulate others into doing or giving what they want (money, assistance, etc.). All it takes is a few days of good behavior or maybe a seemingly sincere promise to do better. But as soon as they get what they want, they go right back to their bad behavior. Zap! You've just been "Hoovered!" And now we know which one of you is smarter.


• Join a Local Support Group
  When I thanked God for friends who helped me while I struggled with the mental lllness in my family He said,

  "You were never meant to carry this alone."

  Information, emotional support, and insights from other people in similar situations are extremely helpful. I attend monthly NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) support group meetings. I am also a certified NAMI Support Group Facilitor. Check out their excellent website!


• Forgive
  Not because they deserve it (they don't!), but because you need it. Unforgiveness will eat you alive! For your own welfare, forgive and let go.


• Have Realistic Expectations
  Don't expect your mentally ill person to understand or appreciate what you do for them. Love them and treat them fairly with no expectation of return. When I resented being taken advantage of, Holy Spirit reminded me,

  "Do you think God doesn't know how to keep score?



• Set Boundaries
  You cannot allow a mentally ill person to steal your happiness, self-esteem, or peace of mind. Don't excuse bad behavior and don't get back in line for more abuse. At times you will have to politely but firmly defend your boundaries. Let your mentally ill person know that they are not negotiable.


• Avoid Triggers
  Learn to recognize warning signs that indicate it's time to strategically withdraw from a conversation or activity, before it "triggers" something bad.


• Don't Be an Enabler
  Stop trying to rescue a mentally ill person, because you can't. You can't pull them out of their pit, but they can drag you down into it. Put them into God's Hands and leave them there. Although it may be difficult to do so, step back and allow them to suffer the consequences of their own bad decisions. Consequences are one way that God disciplines people. Don't get in God's way!


• Learn New Communication Skills
  Most of communication is nonverbal: eye contact, tone of voice, facial expression, body language, hand motions, etc. Normal people automatically synthesize these non-verbal signals with the verbal signal to get a deeper, richer understanding with the right nuances. But people with a mental illness have difficulty tracking multiple signals at the speed needed to keep up with a normal conversation. Therefore, they tend to derive a garbled message where the verbal and nonverbal messages are contradictory. One simple thing you can do is to talk slower and keep it simple . If you sense rising frustration as your bipolar disorder person listens to you, it may be a sign that you are going too fast. If you have something important to discuss, a clinically-proven method that sometimes works is to talk to them over the phone. This eliminates all of the nonverbals signals, leaving only one signal for the mentally ill person to track and understand.


• Understand committment issues
  Don't expect a person with mental illness to keep promises or agreements, no matter how sincere they are at the moment. Their brain doesn't work like yours. They live in the moment. Today's committment may mean nothing to them tomorrow.


• The Silent Treatment ("Ghosting")
  The silent treatment is a refusal to verbally communicate with someone, often as a means of punishment, emotional manipulation, or control. It is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising. Specifically, research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain. Mental illness is not an excuse for hurting another person.


• Controlling Behavior
  It is common for people with a personality or mood disorder to exhibit controlling behavior. This isn't because they want to be ruler of the universe. It's usually because they are driven by fear and their sense of insecurity in relationships. The #1 ingredient in good relationships is emotional security. Emotional security is when you feel comfortable, safe, and confident about another person and the bond you have; it's when you know ahead of time how they are likely to respond to various situations. This gives predictability and stability to a relationship. But unfortunately this doesn't work for many people with personality or mood disorders. How can they attain emotional security when the emotional part of their brain isn't functioning properly! Consequently, many people with personality or mood disorders attempt to get the security they need by controlling the people around them. However, this usually backfires and is counter-productive. Nobody likes to be controlled! It poisons relationships and treats other people as "things." Don't allow your mentally ill family member to trap you in a tangled web of control. And remember where their misplaced attempts to control are coming from.


• Parental Alienation
  Parents with personality or mood disorder usually have troubled marriages and often make matters worse by engaging in parental alienation. This is something that most people would never do. But mentally ill people don't have much of a conscience. This is a manipulative process in which one parent turns their child(ren) against the other parent. It is a form of mental abuse that hurts both the disadvantaged parent and the child(ren). Parental alienation can make it difficult or impossible for the other parent to continue seeing their kids or maintaining a loving relationship with their children.


• Public vs. Private Behavior
  Some people with a mental illness are "high functioning." This means that they are able to behave properly in public and blend in with normal people. But it all comes out at home! Consequently, the #1 complaint I hear from people with a mentally ill family member is, "If they can behave in public, WHY can't they behave at home?" The implicit assumption behind this question is that their family member is being "two-faced" and hypocritical - which leads to resentment. But it's more complex than this.
  
  One reason for this dichotomy between public vs. private behavior is that we use different parts of our brain in public vs. private settings. In public we primarily use our cognitive skills, which are not significantly affected by personality and mood disorders. But at home we primarily use our emotional/relational skills, which are seriously degraded by such disorders. Therefore, the mentally ill person simply doesn't have the emotional/relational skillset needed to succeed at home.
  
  A second reason for the dichotomy between public vs. private behavior is demonic influence. Specifically, mental illness gives demonic spirits easy access to the mind. But evil spirits will rarely manifest their presence in public. They prefer to remain undetected. This leaves them free to do their greatest damage in the privacy of your own home, because family members are usually reluctant to speak up about the damaging actions of their mentally ill family member. I suppose that is why God woke up one of our neighbors at 3 AM and told her,

  "You need to pray for the Reeds! Terrible things are going on in their home!"

  
  
• Maintain Your Inner Peace and Joy
  To avoid burnout you must be intentional about self-care. It's not a luxury and it's not selfish. It's a necessity! You're in a war and you can't continually stay on the front-line. If you are the only glue holding things together, what will happen if you become "unglued?" Please find out what works for you and do it regularly! I hike and take long walks, sketch with colored pencils and graphite, watch happy movies, keep my room neat and organized, strive for excellence in my workplace, and serve at a church that I love. But most of all, I try to stay as close to God as I can!