Giving Them Over Is Not Giving Up

Detachment is a psychology term that means means cutting emotional and sometimes physical ties to a person who causes you severe and ongoing anxiety. Detachment is often advised when you have an adult family member or loved one who is addicted or mentally ill. From time to time, distraught people visit our NAMI support group meeting seeking a quick-fix for their (adult) mentally ill family member. It's clear to us that nothing will get better until they stop enabling and detach from the situation. But we usually don't say anything because they are not ready to listen. And because we didn't give them a quick-fix, they never come back. I'm just sayin . . .

NAMI and Al-Anon teach their members that you cannot change another person; the only person you can change is yourself. But I learned it only after years of misguided love and a misplaced sense of responsibility towards my mentally ill loved one. When I asked about our failed marriage the Lord said,

"Just because she fails doesn't mean you have to fail."

When I complained that life was hard He replied,

"I never asked you to fix your wife!"

I remember the time and place where I finally hit the wall and told God, "I've done everything I can think of and everything that any friend, pastor, or counselor has ever suggested. But none of it has done any good. It's not that I'm giving up. Rather, it's that there's nothing left to try. So as fully as I know how, I am placing this matter into Your hands." I was surprised to hear Holy Spirit reply,

"It's about time you learned to trust God for something really big!"

At a later time the Lord said,

"All your worry and concern has accomplished not a single thing. It has only gotten in the way of what I want to do."

He later explained about detachment.

"It was just as much about protecting you as it was about helping her."

Is It Time to Detach? - Sometimes there comes a point where you must stop trying to help, advise, nag, confront, enable, or otherwise attempt to rescue them, clean up after them, or change their behavior. This is the point where you need to step back and allow them to bear the full consequences of their bad decisions. God is a lot more concerned about them than you are. And only He knows exactly how their malfunctioning brain operates and exactly what they need. When I finally made the decision to detach, it initially felt like I was abandoning my mentally ill family members. But the Lord warned me:

"If you allow yourself to become entangled in their 'drama' you will be absolutely no use to Me!"

"Giving them over to Me is not giving up; it's the best thing you can do - for both them and yourself."

Now I am freer to live the life that God planned for me, without the never-ending "drama" of mentally ill family members who will not seek treatment. I don't know what God will do with them. But I rest in the assurance that He will be completely fair.